The Love of My Father
"Trust in and rely confidently on the Lord with all your heart And do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know and acknowledge and recognize Him, And He will make your paths straight and smooth [removing obstacles that block your way]."
This is one of, (if not) my favorite scripture(s). When all else fails, It always addresses every situation or challenge that I face in life. However, I will be solely focusing on one subject today- how my father left me but God restored and healed me of the scars and wounds caused by his absence
My father left when I was barely seven years old. I remember the day like it was yesterday. My entire world was shattered. For the first seven years of my life, I was daddy's girl; he was practically my best friend. He always made me feel safe and cared for. Everyone in our home knew that I was his little girl and I knew that I could totally depend on him. As a matter of fact, all I had to do to escape the 'wrath' of my mother whenever I misbehaved, was simply run to my father's room, and I knew I was untouchable. I was certain that I was safe from any kind of harm and I did not have to face the repercussions of my actions. His leaving me and not looking back changed me forever. My mother, God bless her heart, did the best she could to fill the void, but I just couldn't comprehend why and how my own father could abandon me. I felt so rejected, unwanted, unworthy, lost, confused and betrayed. I felt so alone.
As I grew older through the years, I numbed the empty feeling I had inside and convinced myself that I was just fine but the reality was that I was not. Due to the void that my father left, I subconsciously made a lot of awful decisions that were so detrimental to me. Some of these decisions could have even been the end of me. As early as the age of 11, I was already aware and open to the idea of having 'a man' in my life because I just wanted to feel wanted and noticed. On the outside, I would say things like "I do not need any man", "I don't want to get married" or "All men are liars" but deep within, I did not believe what I was saying because I was subconsciously obsessed with needing my dad and I was willing to accept any form of "companionship" or "love" that came my way. I was completed blinded to the consequences of my decisions and most importantly, I did not realize that I was loved and wanted by someone greater than my biological father.
Looking back now, I know for a fact that it was GOD, that kept me. How beautifully amazing is that?. While I was so occupied with mourning the absence of my biological father, my Heavenly Father was looking out for me. I remember times where I would cry while watching father/daughter dances at weddings knowing that I will never have that. So many times, I had my heart broken by both friends and men and I had no one to comfort me or assure me that I was valued. For many years, I yearned for that father. I encountered a couple of men (both relationships and mentors) that I thought would fill the void but always ended in disappointment. At the time, I lived in the endless cycle of heartbreaks, while trying to deal with my insecurities and emptiness by myself.
Then I met Jesus. I bet you are thinking that I got it all together afterwards. No, I did not. Even after I met Jesus, I still didn't know how to comprehend or accept His love for me. I would be a hypocrite and a liar if I wrote that I got it all together after my encounter with Him. I simply did not. But He never gave up on me. Looking back now, I can honestly say that NO ONE can love me like He does. Even the best earthly father could not have been as patient, merciful and loving as He has been to me. Through the years of me walking with Him, my heart gradually opened up to the realization of me having the father I had always longed for.
"Toyosi, I am your Father and I will never leave nor forsake you. I made you in my image and that makes you priceless. You are beautiful and loved. You matter because you are the apple of my eye," were the words He shared with me.
The moment I began to truly accept God's love for me and thereby started walking in obedience, the things that He had for me became more evident to me. He did not just become my Father, He also gave me my spiritual father who is now my dad. He sent me someone that is so consistent in his love for me without an ulterior motive. He corrects me in love, he covers me and prays for me like I am his own. He gave me a husband who truly loves me as Christ loved the church. A husband that puts my needs before his own and his an amazing father to our daughter (watching those two brings such joy to my heart). The little girl who once felt unwanted and unloved is now overwhelmed by the TRUE LOVE that comes only from LOVE itself.
I cannot write everything I experienced in words without writing a book but I just wanted to share this with whoever is in the same place that I was. No matter who may have left or forsaken you, I want you to know that you are not forgotten. There is someone greater watching over you. It may not seem like it but HE is there and HE is working things out for you. To add some icing to the cake, HE is the creator of the universe and HE is more than able to supply all your (emotional, physical and even mental) needs. His love never fails or waivers. His consistent love is ALL you need. That love has changed me for the better and it can do the same for you.
I love you but God loves you more.